I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
