Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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