Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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