I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
