i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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