It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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