you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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