Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
