I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
