I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
