Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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