im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
