Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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