I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
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He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
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Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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