I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
