wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
