She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
