dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
