so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
