this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
