Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
