Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
