I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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