you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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