I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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