just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
