i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
