I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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