The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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