Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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