you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
