You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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