Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
