my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
