She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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