Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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