u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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