is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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