His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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