there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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