life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize