i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
