Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
