my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
