Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
