i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
