Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
