so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
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a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
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The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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