My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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