I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
