Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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