she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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