I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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