If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
