am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
