Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
