need another drink. this is the easiest way
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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