At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
