His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
