I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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